SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You Might Also Like
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.