You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
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doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
A Short Story.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
The Punning Dead.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.