what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
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Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
love it when they get my name right
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.