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My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!