Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window