I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
At an art museum and I thought this was art
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*