Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
You Might Also Like
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it