Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
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Give a baker flours on your first date.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
idk what he going thru but i feel him
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.