if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
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Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.