I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
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Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
at ease…shoulder.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.