What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar