I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.