Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
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WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
me and the Superbowl rn
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD