You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth