INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
secret recipe
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this