Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
You Might Also Like
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.