*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
gentlemen, hear me out
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!