Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
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Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light