Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.