Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure