[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
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“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.