I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
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I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Des Moines Police having a normal one
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
The photographer’s assistant
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.