my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
one last job
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.