has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
You Might Also Like
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I think my mom just blocked me
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Livid.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta