Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
You Might Also Like
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.