God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
just left a huge legacy in there
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
channeling her this year
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.