5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
These are my roll models.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Human are so complicated
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?