[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
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“so what brings you to therapy today?”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.