It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?