It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
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We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.