Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info