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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.