My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed