Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
How dude HOW?!
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.