Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
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Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
this has to be peak English
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.