addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.