[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.