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I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Still my favourite meme.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”