To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
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Netflix and awkward silence?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Wait a minute
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.