Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
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Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣