trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”