at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
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A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
The dark side of Canada
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker