My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
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I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
This guy’s not having it 😆
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB