Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night