Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
this is how life feels
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”