what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
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Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life