Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
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Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
🤣🤣
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.