I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
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*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
#Caturday