Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
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Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
The Friday File.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: