Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
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“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.